T.O.T.G.A.

A very good friend of mine from PCIBank gave me a call this afternoon and asked me to meet up and help him out with some advice regarding his Lost Love, a.k.a. The One That Got Away (TOTGA). He related to me his aborted relationship with a girl with much intensity.

The gist of the story was about a wonderfully charming girl who had to have a last fling with my sorry friend before she got married the Saturday before. The whole time my friend was crying uncontrollably while he was dishing out the details of the affair. However moving his sad plight was, I couldn't make myself think straight and proffer him pieces of advice. He was wailing, even howling at times, and it was just irritating. I was tempted at one point to pick up the magazine I brought along start reading. Maybe the thought of flicking the magazine at him to make him stop the tears even crossed my mind... To cut the long story short and to spare you from the agonizing details of the whole setto, I ended up giving him a "cliche-ish"advice... MOVE ON.

We called it a night immediately after he finished his 3-hour soliloquy. I got into my car and promptly drove home. I purposely didn't turn the radio on. Wanted to relish the seeming silence inside the car... but as the wheels whirred, my mind turned. I couldn't get over the fact that my Friend asked me to be there for him, and I could only dispense that eloquent piece of advice. I mean, if there ever was a commodity in the market for advice, "move on" will be at the top of the list of fast moving items. So, without much hesitation and with the fullest of focus, I tried concocting the balm for his wounded spirit, ego, heart. I had to have this ready for application the next time we met...

This is what I thought...

One should never even consider someone a TOTGA if their relationship lasted, right? Obviously, the person who went away never did, so that person can be considered the one that stayed. The reason why people become TOTGA is because... well, they GOT AWAY!!!! Pretty simple (quite stupid, actually, since it is pretty obvious). Again, since they got away, the relationship or the affair or the "meaningful" fling ended. Abrupt. Sudden. Bitter end to such short, sweet time. One is left wondering about the "what could have been's" and the "what if's".

The dynamics behind this phenomenon are not as evident. A deeper analysis is required to reveal the not so obvious to these victims...

The whole experience is predicated on the unknown... Unstable like a formula that needs a constant to provide the right solution... Full of emotions, raw and innocent. Bereft of time, compressed and crammed into a shoddy box. Putting this glut of untamed passion in the same mix with the utter lack of future is a guaranteed formula for an intoxicating and deadly potion. Such potion subjects the willing victim to bouts of vivid confrontations with guilt, horrific pain in the fires of passion. One can liken these episodes to being loaded with "ecstasy"... intense, but temporary; real, but artificial.

All in all, the nature of the relationship was one of a HEIGHTENED SENSE OF ROMANCE. Every single detail is romanticized. Why? Becuase they were never given the chance to live with a sense of permanency... Borrowed moments... Borrowed places... Borrowed memories... Borrowed persons.... Everything had to be returned...

Now... supposing that my Friend and the Girl Fling decided to continue the relationship... I'm pretty sure that they'll get into each other's nerves in the long run. Believe we all know this... that all NORMAL COUPLES go through a let-the-sparks-fly OUT OF THE WINDOW-and-now-I-see-your-true-color shit. And these are some of the God-awful discoveries they'll make:

• Guy is not fond of brushing his teeth before going to bed.
• Giirl snores like a boar at night....
• Guy farts like no one else (fumes of the flatulence seem to have hands that cling desperately to the hairs of one's nose)....
• Girl always have to use a toothpick to pry out huge chunks of meat stuck in her teeth after every meal.

Once these involuntary revelations occur, the possibility of "return to the rightful owner" event can happen. Or the relationship will just die a slow, agonizing death.

OR, they may also still be in love with each other "IN SPITE OF" everything and may end up to be forgiving and tolerant of each other's faults. The glamor of the TOTGA is gone, but the beauty of love, however, routine and familiar is still there to brighten their days.

If my friend could only project himself into the future with this girl, a future which essentially has more permanency in terms of time, place, and person, then he'll eventually come to see that this recently failed relationship might have had an equal probability of not turning out to be anything special at all had they both stayed on. They'll be living lives like "normal couples".

I have then come to the conclusion that the concept of TOTGA shouldn't be given any more thought or attention than it currently deserves in our psyches. It's something that our fertile and picturesque imagination conjures for us in moments of suspended reality. Actually, it should be seen as a tonic, something that soothes us from the supposed pain that has been inflicted upon us by letting the other get away. It should be something that makes us smile about our past adventures, thrills, and juvenile follies. TOTGA should be a positive and playful thought in our minds.

The concept of TOTGA, then, should be hinged on a choice... my Friend, once he's over the whole thing, must choose to express the "TOTGA feelings" with whoever he ends up with. To live and love as if every moment is on borrowed time, as if every secret little garden is a borrowed place, and as if the wonder that is in your arms is a borrowed person. That, I believe, will still his heart, knowing that everything ---- every detail, every spark of feeling, and every noteworthy and inconsequential molecule that make up his eventual partner ---- is right where it should be.