Spare Thoughts

Another day in the dark for me.

I do not know what my day will be like… nor how I will be of use in the big scheme of things. I wait in patience, and in silence, day by day, hopelessly wondering how I will be loved and treated as the others have been loved and treated. I long for that sense of permanency, that certitude which the others have experienced… and are experiencing. It pains me to think that I am relegated near the backseat, not experiencing the warmth of a true journey. The only warmth I receive, even in this cold, dark place, is the heat of waiting, when the sun beats down incessantly on the roof of my abode.

I long for that turn to take the one that I love to places. And amidst my all too normal series of reverie, I see myself strong, full of air, and able to support the trek that my Love and I dare embark on. Once I get that chance, I will hold my breath for the entire length of the journey in order to show my stability and prove my worth as a companion.

I know, though, that I will wear down eventually… but I have seen so many others wear themselves down till there was nothing more to give. Despite this inherent risk, I continue to hope for that chance to turn. Such is the way I approach Life. Give it my all. To not hold anything back. And I know that I will last longer than anyone would expect. For I am strong. I am durable. I am resilient. Temperance is a good thing, but with the kind of creature that I am, I am bound to wear myself down…

But I am still here…waiting. Waiting for that turn as my Love moved about and went places. I have to admit, I am quite happy with how she lives her life the way she wants to, going to where the wind and her whims and her wishes take her. Occasionally, I get to see her. Occasionally, she feels me. In quiet thought, she speaks to me and makes sure that I am there…always there. Assuring her, I give her peace of mind for she knows that I will pull through in times of need. The loyal, dutiful subject that I am, I stand fast.

Oh, how I wish to be the one! To be the one, right here, right now for her… for all time! But… as it is, as my life is, I am not considered yet. I will beg her to consider me right here, right now for I have what it takes to carry out a journey she will never forget…one that will make her very happy and thankful for. But she will never have any of that. My Love recognizes the fact that I have that Promise… but she would always mutter that my time hasn’t come. Maybe, one day. Maybe tomorrow.

I love her. No two ways about it. I always stay behind her back, as supportive and as understanding as I can be. Oh yes, there are times that I think of deflating my supply of emotions and leave. But I cannot bear the thought of leaving her without being able to provide the support that she knows she can draw from me in times of trouble. I could not bear the thought of not being there when she needs me. She loves me, though. I know
that. For I reassure her with my presence. Well, at least, I know she cares for me if it’s too much to think that she loves me.

Every chance I get, most of the time in thought, I tell her that I am no fair-weather friend who will be gone as soon as the rains fall or when the road gets bumpy and hard to travel. I always tell her that I will endure the twists and turns of Life for her. I will think of many ways to reason out and make her believe… but then… she, as any other, for that matter, will probably say this to me… “You have that Promise and I care for you. You are sincere in what you tell me… but, as of this moment, I can’t be with you… not yet. I know that one day, you will be there for me as you always have been.”

Then, it hit me…

Pain. I feel it even when my face is not pressed against the roughness of a dirt road. I cry… even if my eyes don’t see the torrents that fall from the sky. I fray… even if my body hasn’t been dragged for a thousand miles on an endless road to nowhere……..

Such is my life and my fate… my life and fate as a spare tire. Waiting for my turn. Waiting to turn. Waiting for that moment when everything careens for the worse so I could be of use… but only to be replaced as soon as times get better. The proverbial martyr. Able, but not able to. The regular in the irregular. The default when faults occur.

I am a spare tire. And I tire… waiting. And while I do… these are the thoughts that I spare.